Musings

Hello everyone. Me again. In lieu of a more geek-centric post, I'd like to talk about something a little more serious...expectation. This may come across as kind of whiny, and for that I apologize, but I need to get this out. Ok, here goes. Recently, I went through a rather disappointing series of events in my personal life, which caused me to question what I was actually doing with my life and with my future. Now instead of mourning for a short period, as is normal and healthy, I instead threw myself wholeheartedly into finding a way to fix this problem. I went out and gave my resume to businesses and people and succeeded in finding a job. I went on tours of schools and found out about alternative programs to go into that would help me to have a career. I did research into more schools to apply to in order to further my education. I was feeling like I was at least being productive and trying to grow as a person. And then something happened today which shattered all of the good feelings and all of the hard work that I had done...and now I am back to feeling the desolation and grief that I thought I had gotten over. Now, I am not a brilliant man, but neither am I dumb. I work as hard as I can in school and in everything that I do. There is a saying that I have always tried to hold on to: "Hard work never goes unrewarded". This saying should hold true in every aspect of life; yet perversely, it seems that all of my hard work has availed to nothing. I have achieved little in life, apart from graduating from college. I have even begun to question whether or not I should continue being a nerd/geek. I know that it is unreasonable to think that I can completely get rid of the part of myself that is a nerd/geek, but at this point it seems as though I have little alternative. I try to be the best I can in all walks of my life: student, son, friend, and brother. Yet it seems that I have only succeeded in disappointing the people in my life that I care about. In the face of such odds, it is becoming harder and harder to get up in the morning and face the day. I know that I need to work even harder to succeed in this life, and to give more than I have in order to achieve my goals. I can't afford to feel sorry for myself, but it seems that there is something deficient about me. I'm tired, readers, so tired of feeling like the world has beaten me into the dirt. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, how much disappointment can one person take, before he or she just yells "ENOUGH" and gives up? I just need something to go right for a change....because it seems that nothing in my life has gone right. So that's it, my ranting and raving for the night is over. Please keep me in your thoughts, readers, because I need all the help I can get. Regular postings will begin again soon. Until next time.